Jennifer’s Blog
You aren't at the mercy of your emotions- our brain creates them - Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett
Can you look at someone's face and know what they're feeling? Does everyone experience happiness, sadness and anxiety the same way? What are emotions anyway? For the past 25 years, psychology professor Lisa Feldman Barrett has mapped facial expressions, scanned brains and analyzed hundreds of physiology studies to understand what emotions really are. She shares the results of her exhaustive research -- and explains how we may have more control over our emotions than we think.
Lisa Feldman Barrett, PhD is a University Distinguished Professor of Psychology at Northeastern University, with positions in psychiatry and radiology at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School.
Source: https://www.ted.com/talks/lisa_feldman_barrett_you_aren_t_at_the_mercy_of_your_emotions_your_brain_creates_them?language=en
How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris
ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)
TEDMED: Childhood trauma isn’t something you just get over as you grow up. Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris explains that the repeated stress of abuse, neglect and parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of the brain. This unfolds across a lifetime, to the point where those who’ve experienced high levels of trauma are at triple the risk for heart disease and lung cancer. An impassioned plea for pediatric medicine to confront the prevention and treatment of trauma, head-on.
Click the link to learn more about ACEs…
If someone else is enough; so must you be.
I am feeling grateful for a bit of a slower pace to life during this time of the Covid-19 pandemic to attend to a few things that have been collecting dust on my lengthy list for quite awhile now. This includes finally getting around to writing an actual blog post. Honestly, as I think about what has been holding me back I recognize that it is not only a lack of time, but even more so my fear of making myself vulnerable by putting my thoughts out into the world for potential judgment and criticism. My writing has always been something I hold private. A secret place for me to process my thoughts, frustrations, and aspirations. My best friend. I don’t claim to know it all, but I feel I perhaps know a thing or two that I am compelled to share. There comes a time when we have to take the risk because not taking the chance is the biggest risk of all. Perhaps this work may one day transpire into a book of sorts. But for now, here goes… a few thoughts on being enough… enjoy and stay well, Jennifer (follow on Instagram @ jliesen.psychotherapy)
If someone else is enough; so must you be. If we expect that others should be treated with respect, dignity, appreciation, and love; so must you be. Why do the rules apply to others, but somehow not to ourselves? We attribute much greater worth and importance elsewhere. Someone could have experienced similar suffering, yet we accept their suffering over our own. They may have been the same age experiencing a trauma, but somehow we are responsible, should have known better. They are excused from the same accountability. We do not equate the same value to our suffering. We validate others with comparable experiences, but somehow negate and minimize our similar pain. Somewhere along the way we learned that our feelings and thoughts don’t matter, aren’t important, are not valued. Our homes were unpredictable, overprotective, absent, conditioned, or punitive. We became accustomed to sacrificing our needs. This is how we survived. This is how we stayed under the radar. This is how we avoided further hurt. We displaced our energies into not drawing attention to ourselves. We became immune to our own needs. We became invisible.
Maybe our caregivers assumed higher priority. After all, they are human with their own unique upbringings and traumas. Perhaps our caregiver battled with mental health and/or substance use issues. Perhaps their fears prevented healthy independence. Perhaps we had a sibling that had higher needs. Perhaps we had elderly grandparents that diverted attention away from us. Perhaps our caregiver struggled with their own self worth modelling high demands and expectations of themselves and others. Perhaps they never learned how to express love with withdrawn parents of their own. Or perhaps our caregiver “loved” us in inappropriate ways. Perhaps our caregivers too learned to survive. At the same time we sought the natural approval and healthy affection we lacked, but so desperately needed.
We do not wish to be a burden to those we love by asking for our needs and rights to be met. We do not want to cause others more pain and suffering. We absorb our hurt until it erodes into our shame. We assume we are bad, dirty, flawed, weak, unwanted, unworthy of love, we don’t belong, a failure, that it is our fault. We assume that no one cares and no one notices. We are unloveable.
How did we get noticed? Perhaps we absorbed ourselves in our studies. We needed to be the perfect child, the perfect student. We needed to get the best grades. We needed to be the helpful child. We needed to please. We needed to be, look, talk, walk, dress a certain way. Our love and acceptance was conditioned on how best to serve. Or perhaps we rebelled. If we were unloveable anyway why not live the part fully. Even negative attention serves a purpose to be noticed. We fed fuel to the fire by proving others right. We are bad, will always be bad, always be alone. We created a shell around ourselves. We developed ways to feel some sense of safety and control in our chaotic surroundings. We live a lifetime in our shame and we blame. We blame the mother who didn’t protect us, the system that didn’t see us, the siblings we had to protect. We did not welcome this responsibility. We resent our forced choices. We resent our lost innocence. We are angry. We feel powerless.
Where do we go from here? We separate the traumatic experience from the individual. The person is not the experience. We are not bad. We do not deserve bad things. We are good. We are good people who experienced bad things. We no longer need to bear the burden of responsibility for things that are not ours to carry in order to survive. A parents, guardians, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, teachers, employers, doctors, partners, or friends inabilities, shortcomings, and histories do not measure our worth. A persons lack of availability to support, comfort, nurture, or attend to us does not define our value. We do the hard work and be gentle with ourselves in the process. We find our voice through sharing our shame with appropriate and available persons. We connect through our vulnerability. We experience acceptance. We set boundaries. We validate our own experiences. We create authenticity in our lives. We dispose of our resentments and anger. We unmask our true identities. We find meaning and purpose. We inspire others to realize their potential.
We are seen, we are heard, we are known.
Poem: Risk
By taking risks, being vulnerable, being human, being our authentic selves and facing our fears we change, we grow, we connect, we live.
Please take a moment to read the poem entitled “Risk” by Anonymous
Be well, Jennifer
Mindfulness: Daily Routine
Practice mindfulness, gratitude, and kindness daily to support mental well-being. Simple, yet effective. Thanks, Jennifer
Discerning Intention - Part Five: What I Want
Photo credit: artchaos.art
Over the past few weeks we’ve taken a look at our core values that drive our purpose and have set specific goals that align with these values. We’ve examined our evolving sense of identity and focused on how to more authentically present our true selves to others. We’ve considered our current state and the invaluable lessons we’ve learned along the way. Now that we have this increased awareness, it is time to clearly state what we want and make a plan to manifest a future consistent with our personal life goals. Be well, Jennifer
For myself, I want…
For others, I want…
This is what I want to do…
I want to be…
I want to have…
The most important thing for me to do is…
In order to do this, I need to have…
In order to do this, I need to know…
In order to do this, I need to do…
Do I have what I want?
Do I want what I have?
This series was borrowed from the workbook: 101 Trauma-Informed Interventions: Activities, Exercises and Assignments to Move the Client and Therapy Forward, by Linda Curran, BCPC, LPC. CACD, CCDP-D
Discerning Intention - Part Four: Why I'm Here
This series is borrowed from the workbook: 101 Trauma-Informed Interventions: Activities, Exercises and Assignments to Move the Client and Therapy Forward, by Linda Curran, BCPC, LPC. CACD, CCDP-D
Please take a few moments to consider your current state of being. What challenges are you facing at this time in your life, what lessons are you learning/have you learned from this situation, what could you teach others of your experience, how did you get to this point, and what’s next? Finding meaning and purpose in our experiences allows us to view life’s challenges as opportunities for growth and change. We inspire others to have a positive outlook on their difficulties. We develop a sense of control over the direction of our lives and build confidence in our ability to overcome future hardships. Be well, Jennifer
My purpose for being in this place right now is…
I have to learn…
I have to teach…
The following experiences in my recent past have prepared me to be here…
This is how I got here…
Do I want to stay here?
Where do I want to go next?
What does this present moment offer me?
What do I bring to the present moment?
Next: Discerning Intention - Part Five: What I want
Discerning Intention - Part Three: Who I am
Photo credit: artchaos.art
This series is borrowed from the workbook: 101 Trauma-Informed Interventions: Activities, Exercises and Assignments to Move the Client and Therapy Forward, by Linda Curran, BCPC, LPC. CACD, CCDP-D
Take a few moments to consider these important questions regarding your identity. Consider how your identity has been formed and how you may work to be more authentic in your presentation of your true self.
Today I am…
Yesterday I was…
In the past I have been…
I am becoming…
I define my identity as…
I am known by all of these names…
The parts of myself that I reveal to others are…
The parts of myself that I conceal are…
I have worn masks and played many roles. The ones that I have worn and since discarded are…
I would define my authentic self as …
I share my true self with…
Next: Discerning Intention - Part Four: Why I’m here
Discerning Intention - Part Two: An Action Plan "Willingness"
This series is borrowed from the workbook: 101 Trauma-Informed Interventions: Activities, Exercises and Assignments to Move the Client and Therapy Forward, by Linda Curran, BCPC, LPC. CACD, CCDP-D
Take a moment to outline a specific goal that aligns with your core values that reflect your life’s purpose. Break your goal down into action steps. Examine thoughts and feelings that may arise through the process of achieving your goal. Make a commitment to begin pursing your purpose.
My specific goal is to:
The values underlying my goal are:
The specific actions I will take to achieve that goal are:
In pursuit of my goal, I am willing to open up to and make space for all of these memories, thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, longings…
Memories:
Thoughts:
Feelings:
Sensations:
Longings, needs, and urges:
It might be useful to remind myself that:
If necessary, I can break this goal down into more manageable steps, such as:
The smallest, easiest step I can begin with is:
I will begin on ____/____/____ @ ____:____ (I will take the first step)
Next: Discerning Intention - Part Three: Who I am
Discerning Intention - Part One: Life's Purpose/Core Values
This series is borrowed from the workbook: 101 Trauma-Informed Interventions: Activities, Exercises and Assignments to Move the Client and Therapy Forward, by Linda Curran, BCPC, LPC. CACD, CCDP-D
in-ten-tion (noun)
An act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.
Purpose or attitude toward the effect of one’s actions or conduct.
Intention is the force directing an act of will. One must be aware of his/her own genuine intentions in order to take responsibility for the consequences of his/her actions.
Take a moment to consider the following questions:
My life’s purpose is?
My personal guidelines for living well in the world are?
Core values that reflect this purpose are (eg. if your life’s purpose is to advocate for the less fortunate, you might write “compassion”, “courage”, “generosity”, etc.)?
One instance in which my core value(s) made a difference in my life was?
The concrete actions to accomplish these intentions are?
Next: Discerning Intention - Part Two: An Action Plan “Willingness”
Thinking Styles
Hello!
This week I wanted to talk a little bit about unhealthy thinking styles.
Based on our experiences, we all have these tendencies to adhere to restrictive patterns of thinking that impact our mood, our feelings about ourselves, our expectations of others, our view of the world, our predictions about the future, and our ability to strive to meet our potential.
Being aware of and challenging these negative assumptions leads to a healthier self-worth, improved relationships, increasingly positive outlook, authenticity in identity, and the pursuit of a more meaningful and purposeful life experience.
Let me know if you found this resource helpful.
Thanks! Jennifer
Basic Human Rights
Photo credit: artchaos.art
Basic Human Rights
You have the right to put yourself first sometimes.
You have the right to make mistakes.
You have the right to be the final judge of your feelings and accept them as legitimate.
You have the right to your own opinions and convictions.
You have the right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action.
You have the right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.
You have the right to interrupt and ask for clarification.
You have the right to negotiate for change.
You have the right to ask for help or emotional support.
You have the right to feel and express pain.
You have the right to ignore the advice of others.
You have the right to receive formal recognition for your work and achievements.
You have the right to say no.
You have the right to be alone even if others would like your company.
You have the right not to have to justify yourself to others.
You have the right not to take responsibility for someone else’s problem.
You have the right not to have to anticipate others’ needs and wishes.
You have the right not to always worry about the goodwill of others.
You have the right to choose not to response to a situation.
Author: Unknown